You're my little dorito
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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