I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
