You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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