so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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