Sry I called you an 8
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
