I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
