I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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