sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
