I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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