honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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