I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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