u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
