im six kinds of drunk right now
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
