You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Someone came in the potted fern
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
