did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I stole a fireplace last night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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