If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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