do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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