I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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