I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
