Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
