Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
