good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
