i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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