Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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