Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i've created a new STD.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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