I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
