Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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