I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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