the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
