so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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