If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize