you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
