I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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