she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize