just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
