Welp...herpes.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
