Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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