I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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