dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
