dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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