Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize