nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
