She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
