I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
