I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
