lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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