We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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