I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
