the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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