thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize
