I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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