he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize