I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
