worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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