I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
