Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
