I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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