I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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