This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
