I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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