i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
