The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
