Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
