i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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