I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
